Blame
by PrincessAlica
Summary: One Shot - Meredith blames herself after reviewing the police report over the accident that killed Derek.


**I'm still pretty new in this category, but this occurred to me last night, and since I'm home with a sick kiddo, it was a good way to fill my time. **

It was only in the days after Derek's death that Meredith had the time to grieve. And in her grief, she wanted to find an answer. She read all of the notes in his chart, she had reviewed everything she could find. When she received the police report from the scene of the crash, she was confused. The driver of the logging truck claimed that Derek had been on his phone when the crash happened. That was ridiculous. She thought of the many times that Derek had chided her for being on her phone while driving.

It made no sense.

She was so angry. She wanted someone to blame, to find who had been calling him. It made no rational sense. After all whoever was calling wouldn't have known where he was. They couldn't have known what would happen.

And then something began niggling in the back of her mind.

And she remembered calling him. It was as simple as pulling up her phone bill online. She knew what time the crash had happened. And then looking at that bill, everything clicked into place.

She turned from her laptop and grabbed the nearest trash can and began sobbing as she heaved into it. She had just been calling to check on him, standing on the glass bridge, and he had been dying, dying because he had been trying to answer her call.

She couldn't even comprehend the irony that his death was tied so closely to her and that damned catwalk at the hospital. It almost felt like one of those final destination movies, that Derek had escaped from death during the shooting because she had been right there with him, and now it was her calling from that same spot that had killed him.

She wanted to be angry at the doctors at Dillard, at the EMTs that should have taken him to Grey-Sloan, to the truck driver, and at Derek himself for answering her call. But she was angry at herself. The guilt eating away at her. She might at well have been Mr. Clarke. She had killed Derek as sure as if she had pulled the trigger.

She fled to her bedroom, hiding from everyone. She was sitting in the middle of her bed in the house he had built for them. She could go away. She could hide so that no one knew where she was. And her self loathing was so intense that she thought briefly of ending her life. After all, at least then she might see Derek again. But then she thought of Zola and Bailey, remembering the trauma she had gone through when her own mother had tried to commit suicide in front of her. And she could not traumatize them like she had been. They deserved better. And they only had her left. Derek would have been so much better as a single parent. She was an absolute failure.

She pulled one of Derek's sweaters from the closet. It was soft as she cradled it, and it still held traces of his cologne. As miserable as she was, for a moment it felt like he was there. "Derek, I'm sorry. It's all my fault. It's my fault you're dead."

She didn't even notice the door opening or someone entering the room. It was only when the bed dipped slightly that she noticed that her daughter. "Momma?" Zola asked with hesitation. "Momma, are you ok?"

"I'm fine, Zozo." Meredith whispered through her tears. "I'm just missing Daddy."

"Grandma is here. She says she's taking us to her house. She wanted me to come get you." Zola told her mother as she snuggled into her mother's arms.

Meredith bolted up, immediately regretting that motion, as her stomach lurched. "No. She can't." as she leaned forward, burying her face in her hands. "I'll go talk to her, Zo. You can just go play in your room."

As Zola slipped out the door, Meredith tried to rise, but she was dizzy and nauseous. She grabbed on to the nightstand to keep from tipping over and was struggling to remain upright when strong arms slipped around her. She looked up to find her mother-in-law staring at her. "Meredith. I'm here to help you. You're going to be all right. Just breathe." She brushed Meredith's hair from her face as Meredith leaned against the pillow that Carolyn pushed behind her. "Oh, honey." she murmured. "Stay here. You don't need to get up. I'll be right back."

Meredith closed her eyes. She was even more angry at herself because clearly her mother-in-law could see what a terrible mother she was. Meredith started sobbing again and began gagging. She didn't even have the energy to rise from the bed to make it to the trash can, but miraculously Carolyn Shepherd returned just in time with a basin.

"I'm sorry" Meredith whispered.

"What ever for?" Carolyn responded again as she held her hand against Meredith's flushed cheek. "I've been here before. I'm not saying it is the same, but I understand better than I wish I did."

"No," Meredith groaned as another wave of nausea ripped through her. "You don't understand. It's my fault. I'm the reason Derek is dead. It was me. It's all my fault." Meredith dry heaved into the basin.

"You were not the reason," Carolyn reassured her.

"But I was," Meredith cried weakly. "I was the one who called him. It was me. I killed my husband. I didn't mean to. I swear." she added with panic in her eyes.

"Derek knew better than to answer the phone while driving. Didn't he have his phone connected to the car? There is no reasonable explanation why he didn't just answer on his steering wheel. Or he could have pulled off the road. He knew better than to park across the lane of traffic. It is senseless. His death is as senseless as his father's was. I'm glad that Zola and Bailey didn't watch him pass. But there are so many things that could have been different that would mean that he lived. But it didn't work out that way." Carolyn continued to brush her hand over her daughter-in-law's hair.

"But I could have been the one thing that was different." Meredith continued.

"Meredith, you cannot carry this weight. It will crush you. I think that everyone blames themselves when something bad happens. I blamed myself for Christopher's death. I was angry at the man that pulled the trigger. And I was angry at Christopher for not just giving them his watch. But I shouldn't have been working that day. We all try to find a rational way to deal with it. And I know that it has only been a few weeks. But it will eventually get easier. But I think you need to get away from Seattle for a little while. I think you and the children could use a change of scenery." she soothed.

Meredith opened her eyes and stared at her in confusion. "But I thought you were taking the kids because I'm such a crappy mother."

"No, I'm taking all three of you home with me, if you're willing." There was only kindness and concern on her face.

Meredith dry heaved again, more tears springing to her eyes. Carolyn moved to rubbing her back, as Meredith curled over the bowl. "Meredith, dear. When was the last time you've eaten?"

Meredith shrugged. "I don't know."

"You need to eat something small. You have to keep your strength up." Carolyn added

"I can't keep anything down. What's the point?" Meredith returned.

Carolyn took the bowl out of Meredith's lap. She gently turned Meredith's face to hers. "This is a hard question, but could you be pregnant? I've watching you ever since I got here. I've got 16 grand-children. It might be early, but I've seen enough to be suspicious."

Meredith gasped and then began scrambling to find the bowl, heaving again. Once the spell had passed, she looked back up at her mother-in-law and tentatively nodded, and then again dissolved into tears.

"Oh dear." was Carolyn's response. "It's even more important that I get you to eat something." She offered Meredith a plate with a few crackers. "Just nibble on one to start. If we don't get this under control, then I'll call Amelia and ask her to get you some Fenigran. I imagine that you're already dehydrated."

"We were trying. Derek... Derek wanted another." Her eyes grew wide. "How can I do this without him? I can't do this. But I can't not do this."

Carolyn then pulled Meredith into her arms. "You're not alone. I know Derek isn't here, and that is terribly unfair. But I'm here. And all of his sisters will be here for you. And all of your friends from the hospital."

"But I … I … I just want Derek." Meredith sobbed.

"I know. But come home with me, as long as you need, and I'll help you with Bailey and Zola and with getting ready for this new little one. And you can be surrounded by Derek's family and learn things you didn't already know. But the important things is that you're not alone."

To her own surprise, Meredith finally agreed to the plan. Maybe a little change of scenery would help ease the grief a little. It hurt so much to wake from a nightmare, replaying his death, to see the empty bed where he should have been. And she realized that this is what Derek would want her to do. Maybe she would be a little less overwhelmed in a new place. Maybe she could make peace with his family. And if that didn't work out, she could always leave. But for once in her life, it might be a good thing for someone to take care of her.


End file.
